This dark lion of a man was a man I knew I loved even before I physically met him. I had known him from other lifetimes together. When I walked in and saw him on a late night for the first time, it was both a sigh of relief and a “there you are” kind of feeling. We spent nearly every day together from the moment we met. Sometimes we did little speaking for hours, me tucked up in corner near him reading a book, and then there were many nights we sat and talked until dawn, a mix of both of our tears intertwined with our words. And through it all, the rhythms of music played throughout.
He was the first man I have encountered in this life time that understood my darkness and didn’t not shy from it, nor run from it. Most men had said they are fine with my dark side, and they were in the beginning, and then as time passed it began to make them squirm and then they set boundaries I cannot live within. When a man has taken my Wild Woman and caged her and then wonders why I can no longer stay, and why I must be “so much” and “so different”, I leave. A true partner sees the wild and the darkness and sits with it, knowing it is also part of what makes me who I am. I have a great light and fire and brilliance, but to make it so great I must have the underbelly of dark and distorted and a beauty that sometimes makes one cringe and recoil. The dark lion saw my darkness and never once flinched. He welcomed it, begged me to show it all to him…and I did.
In return for my realness, I was shown his dark. At first, I was quiet in his dark. Often times, I needed to observe him because I had never seen another man like him. His gentle nature and brilliant light was radiating light I found so healing. In his warmth, I could see the two of us growing older and wiser together, bantering our words back and forth, being witness to each other’s lives and us creating our place in the ecosystem of the Universe. We would make love with one another even until our skin was wrinkled, to still search the covers to find the warmth of the other, creating our own children together, seeing our grandchildren come into this world and welcoming them in as part of our tribe. I saw all of that and it warmed me through, like a fire that seeps into the bones and heals the cracks that one never knew existed. But that dark... I sat with it, I began to learn the dance and just when I thought I might know the rhythm it changed into something completely different, demanding I keep up even though I couldn’t hear the music at all. It was as if the room was silent and he was playing music I would never hear and he was angry at me for not being the star performer to a piece he had created just for me. I felt lost. I wasn’t scared of his darkness, but the only thing I understood was that it was cloaked in pain, but I did not run. I chose to sit with it and let it seep into me so that I could feel it, which meant the connection was there even without the understanding.
The longer I sat though the more I saw my light diminish. His dark was making me linger too long, not only in his darkness but my darkness as well. There was no balance. I could feel myself beginning to disappear. I was being caged in an airless cage. No air, no water, no light, and the dark promised to cause horrific pain and, eventually, guaranteed death. Something was going to have to bring it to balance but I had no clue what that would be. Until…a light. A pure fire that came from a deep and ancient wisdom. A gift given to the both of us that would help us to create our best and to heal our wounds. Brought to the both of us on the wind, the air that would breathe pure love into the both of us and create a space in the Universe that would be a wisdom and peace danced in on the wind of grace.
I wasn’t sure what to do with this gift. I questioned if I was ready, if I could handle it, if I truly wanted this. I sat with it. I sat in complete silence and solitude and heard a resounding “yes”. I had the deepest peace I have ever had, even in the midst of the turmoil of the unknown. The dark lion knew I had pulled in, not knowing why, and connected to me with the words “I am…Standing behind you, standing for you, standing with you.” When I had felt my answer I went to him and shared what had come.
To say I was surprised by his reaction was an understatement. He responded in such anger, and such violence, that I was knocked over both physically and spiritually. My peace was still there in the deep ocean of me, but the surface was agitated with the energy of a storm that had been brewing over many lifetimes. Over the course of the next couple of weeks, I had to choose whether or not I would protect the gift that had come to the both of us, or rid myself of that which brought with it such deep peace, in order to satisfy his hungry dark.
In the end, I chose to walk away from the Dark Lion and protect the gift that had come to us. To leave a life with a mate I thought was to be with me for the entirety of this lifetime. To end something I found to be the realest I had ever encountered. But in the ending there was also a great peace in that choice , but that doesn’t mean there was not, and is not, a grieving. The dreams reveal to me that I am still processing, still grieving, still letting go. I even dreamed the dark lion died and the look of peace on his face, the final kiss we shared, and his final breath going into my body, was a dream I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
I feel the dreams. I love the dreams. I cry with the dreams. I let the dreams come and then go. My life is happening, evolving and I still dream and prepare for a partner that will be witness to my life and me to theirs. We will honor the dark and light, and support each other to create a life that will help the Universe, finding the place and the work that each of us are here to do. It will come, but now in this time alone, and in solitude, I will nurture the gift of new life I have been given by the Wind and that is enough to focus on and live for.