The word I was told by the Great Big Cosmic Universe a few weeks before little Anouk was born. What a word! When I first heard that word given to me; sitting and meditating in the woods by a quiet stream, my belly swollen and nearly bursting at the seams with life, I felt this feeling. It wasn’t so much a feeling of anxiousness, but more like an “Oh, shit.” And, damn, has this past year been nothing but trust.
One year ago, nearly to the day, I quit a toxic job. Toxic both because of the environment and also because it wasn’t aligned with my soul’s Divineness. I was terrified and yet also had this eerily calming peace. I had to work through the issues of feeling unworthy, of feeling like a failure when I am such a hard worker, of letting go of any notion that I had any fucking clue as to what I was doing, and also how I was going to take care of myself and my soon to be born baby as a single mama.
It took this whole year to dive deep within to see what was there. To see what I had to see. Every time my fear threatened to drown me and the need to lose my shit and panic overwhelmed me…I dove deeper into the depths. It helped that my mermaid tail needed the pressure of the great depths, but that’s not to say I didn’t want to give up and numb myself from the pain and hell I was going through.
Every year, I learn something new about myself, but since April, I have learned more about myself than I ever have in this lifetime. And it actually wasn’t about learning anything. Instead, it was more about remembering who I AM. Why I was born. I began to understand that to know me was more about shoveling out the massive amounts of crap accumulated over the years. Each conditioned habit, each conditioned fear. I had to shovel and shovel and shovel. But in my pruning and composting, I created the most fertile soil for my soul. I took the years of moments I experienced and integrated the knowledge that was to be gathered from each experience and trimmed the rest and let it fall away, to let it compost back into the roots of me.
I have made many mistakes over the years. I still do. I have forgiven myself for not trusting my heart and speaking boldly in what it was saying, especially when I was younger and felt I have no voice at all. I have looked at the parts of me that are the parts I want to forget. The parts that are made of up of gossiping, doubt, self-judgement, outward judgment, abusing Mother Earth through my lazy habits…the list goes on. But here in this moment, I choose to love me as WHOLE. To love me just as I AM. With all the quirks, all the parts that show my humanness, all the parts healed and healing from conditioned fear, all the abyss dark parts that can only be seen with my intuition and love and also the parts that are shiny. All my shining, blazing fire parts came from me sitting in my darkness and allowing it to have space so that I could be balanced. The best and most valuable gems come from the darkest caves; the deepest spaces. They were created under extreme pressure. Unimaginable pressure.
That’s all of us.
I am creating a life I want. A life my heart says, “This is it.” Creating the life I want means saying no and yes to what evolves me. Staying vigilantly present and actively living from my Higher-Self. Even when it doesn’t fit what society expects from me, what others expect of me or even what I expect of me. In the trusting of my heart, I have learned to believe and receive miracles. Miracles I have invited into my life and then went about living my life as it was cultivated and unfolded in its own Divine right timing.
This past week was a huge turning point in my life. One of many along the way. It was an anniversary of a year of TRUST. I won’t share the details, at least not yet, but my life is one GIGANTIC miracle right now. If you could imagine a dream you have had for years suddenly being handed to you out of the blue like magic…yeah, it’s like that. And it’s only the start because the rest has yet to unfold!
Don’t YOU dare give up. Cry and scream the will into yourself to get up and keep going. If your dreams get crushed…dream BIGGER. That’s right. BIGGER. You are WHOLE. You are ENOUGH.
Not before, not after.
Believe in your worthiness. Trust in your heart. Be quiet and listen to your heart whispering, talking, singing, shouting. It’s talking to you. It is YOU. If you trust it,and I mean really trust it, you will live and love a life of zero regrets. You will live a life you were always meant to live. Keep going, even when it’s not easy and you want to end it all.
But don't end it all.
It won’t be all rainbows and unicorn fairytale love. Sometimes it’s a fucking swamp full of rotting putrid nightmarish shit. But then after that, and all that you learn from that experience, there will be a miracle. It all comes and goes in cycles. That’s how we evolve.
And just BE. Be YOU. Exactly why you were born.
There is nothing special about you. Nothing special about me. But we are each unique in our own unique way and when we fully embrace that and share it. That’s when life starts to happen.