Today it hit. That lingering fear that looms in my mind and creeps its way in like smoke. It permeates my bones, my thoughts, me. It begins to suffocate. That's what sitting still does. It begins to suffocate me. Why? Because I must look at my demons. I must become intimate with them. I must make myself uncomfortable and look at them, pick them up and feel them, when all I want to do is smash them and run. But running is never a solution.
I must learn to sit with myself in this stillness. In this loneliness. In this pain. In this fear. In this joy. In this moment. I cannot change my past. And I can't fear the future because it is not here. But I am here. I am here right now. I can do that. I can breathe and feel what comes and learn from it and then let it go so that I can move to my next present moment and grow from it too.
Solitude. On my recent travels to Maui that was the word I heard at Alelele Falls. Mama Maui spoke one word,solitude. A word I took with me and buried in my heart. To know a period of solitude is coming, especially for me the Libra, is difficult to digest. But I am here. My solitude has arrived. It's a feeling of scary and panic and yet I know if I press in I will feel through and emerge content in my solitude and wiser in knowing me.
What I see right now is like the story of Pavarti and Kali. Same but different. Both existing within one. Pavarti encompassing that compassion, wisdom and deity love. Kali possessing empowerment and death. Kali is the side of Pavarti that is ferocious and is said to have emerged from her head. The only way that Kali could be subdued after killing many was when Shiva appeared in infant form on the battlefield. Alerted to his presence, from his infant cries, she goes to him and kisses him and then begins to nurse him with her milk. This is me. I am the two combined. I represent this wisdom and peace but I also know how to defend and destroy. There is a constant pull between the two in me. And in my stillness I feel their presence ever so fully. It's here.