This year is the first Christmas I have ever celebrated alone. Well, technically, I went to my best friend's house for dinner Christmas Eve and my little ones came over for a few hours Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but on the whole I was alone. I wasn't there to tuck my keiki in to bed and I wasn't there to see their faces when Santa arrived. When I lingered on those thoughts and feelings I damn near wanted to break down. I questioned myself. Did I do the right thing? Is this really worth it? But when I went to get the dog to take her for a walk, I walked into my old empty house and Christmas paper and presents were strewn about on the floor and across the room and the house smelled different. It was no longer my home, hasn't been for some time, but I stood there for a minute, while the dog made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen, and I realized that my place was not there. It never was. I thought of the years of holidays, of the every day mundane days, where I was so alone, even surrounded by people. I remembered how utterly dark and claustrophobic it all seemed. I breathed a sigh and realized I was doing exactly what my heart needs, even in the moments where it makes no sense to me, I am doing it and the feelings I feel just tell me I am alive...I am living...and life has so many ups and downs that speak to us through feelings. But right now, especially on the holidays where I am mostly alone I have to tell myself, "Don't think about all those things you feel. Just be glad to be here."
And I am glad I am here. In this moment of transition. This moment where I have an idea of what I want and need but am staying open to how the foundation of that sets up. I am operating with no blueprint, no guide book. I like it this way. When I am the navigator while driving, or when I am in a new city or town, I hate to look at a map. I like to be in it and experience it, get a little lost, ask questions and listen and then figure out my direction. It plays into my life, too. If I turn my compass to my true North it never leads me the wrong way. But MY true North isn't the North of others. It's one where the needle is guided by my heart, which sounds like purple tinged prose, but I speak the truth. My life will go as it goes. I can resist at certain places but it's best if I learn and feel and LIVE along the ride of it. One week you are blissed out on life, everything feels like it's going so right, and the next week you have never felt more alone or unsure, yet in both places you can be happy, because both places are places to feel and to grow and to learn. So, I add to the memory that I keep and hold onto the truth and light that I know. I just keep riding. I don't think about all those feelings I feel. I just feel and live in the moment whether it is the greatest adventure I have ever lived or it's me quietly sitting with myself looking at the pieces that are me.