For the past two years, maybe a little longer, I have steadily been breaking out of my cocoon. Sounds cliche but it is very true. I had gone through some shit, most everyone has a story or version of their own shitty history, when I was younger and never really dealt with it. And by dealt with it I don't mean a therapist, though if you use one I think it is fabulous, too, but, like, dealt...with me. I hadn't stepped back from what had happened to me and reexamined me.How are you, Lauren? Are you o.k.? We're going to get through this. Feel through this. Instead, I shut myself in the world of I Should. I told myself that I should do this and I should do that. I told myself not to feel. It would hurt too much. That what I had gone through was my fault. I must have done something wrong. The type of person I was, was not enough. I know, right? You can imagine the outcome of that.
Well, fast forward almost two decades and here I am at thirty-two years old. I am in a 14-year marriage I don't want to be in, with three beautiful children I have devoted every waking moment and breath to for the past eight years, and I am left, oh, wait, I don't exist. My identity and my heart have nearly been extinguished. Nearly. I say nearly because I knew something was still there because I still felt. I felt absolute and utter pain. But from that pain, from that small feeling, a lot happened.
I decided over two years ago to start living. Little bit by little bit. And when I say little, I mean little. Like, so little someone from the outside might not have even noticed, but I did. My heart did. My soul did. And once it started it just ignited into something so much more. It was me. ALIVE. I decided to start doing the things I loved. And not for any reason at all except I wanted to. Those choices began to tell my heart and soul it was o.k. to feel again. And with that I began to love me. To recognize that I was, indeed, ENOUGH. Just as I was. Everything I needed to be in the past, in the present, or ever would be was already there in me. My job was to nurture that and then set it loose in the world to spread. To be shared.
That's me right now. I have reached my critical point where I know and feel I am enough. I love myself. I love what I love to love. There's a lot of love. And that love makes it possible to live with possibility. The opportunity of a life that I need and want with all my heart and soul. But with it comes darkness and pain. That part sucks but is needed. There is light and happiness, too, but more darkness and pain as I create this life I need. But I need both the dark and the light. One can't live without the other. I know this now. Great pain can be turned into great beauty. Now my adventure challenge is to find my groove in this world, in this time, in this place. I have great plans that are flexible to what God, the Universe, has to offer me.
My first time surfing legit waves was last month in Maui, Hawaii. My adventure partner was watching me on my board. He told me exactly what I was feeling and experiencing. He told me that I had good balance but that I was wobbly on my board because I was fighting the ocean underneath me, and when I learned to just ride the energy underneath me, it would be more natural and I wouldn't be so wobbly. And it was true. I watched him sitting on his board waiting for the waves to come and he just went with it. He didn't look like a flailing fish. That was what I looked like. There was me on my board, clinging, using too much effort to balance absolutely perfectly, when in reality I was fighting what was actually happening underneath me. When I watched him moving with the mana (energy) of the ocean, I saw what he meant. I decided to try it. I let go of what I thought I should be doing and rode it how it actually was. Bingo! I stayed on without wasted energy and I was able to actually catch waves! I was happy.
That's how life is, too. We can plan and ride and try to force things to fit, but the reality is to make it all loose. Yes, formulate a plan but be willing to change it up. To be able to ride what comes our way.
Right now my plan is start my own wellness business, and not a business that is only going to be available to those with dough in their pockets. No. I want to build within the community. Offer yoga, outdoor movement, nutrition ideas. Offer it online, in groups, outside. Those with lots of income, those with no income. Bartering? Hell, yeah. Bring your keiki (little ones)? Hell, yeah. Don't live near me? We'll make it work. I have healed myself, and my family, with food and movement and I want to share that with anyone that wants to feel it. And, oh, yeah, I want to do it in Maui, Hawaii. No big deal. No, really, it's no big deal. I haven't a clue how I will make my way out there but it WILL happen. I work on what I CAN work on right now. This meditating mermaid is just sitting on top of her surfboard of dreams, passion, love and is riding the ocean of life and all that the universe has to offer.