So why? Why do what I do? Why live how I live? Because I am ALIVE. I FEEL. There are seasons in life. Not the four seasons, as everyone has been so programmed to believe. No, there is a deeper rhythm. The phases of the moon, the birth and death of life, illness, weather patterns. Each day is a season. Some of the days connect together in our life and we have an extended season. Each day is a choice to grow, to learn and unlearn. We learn when to batten down the hatches or pull out a good book and lay in the sun.
For all the years I have been having babies and mothering I have learned my most life skills. I also learned exactly what I am made of…and exactly what I am not made of. There are so many moments where I feel ashamed and know that I failed completely. Other days I marvel at my own strength and give thanks that I learned the dance. Having my first three babies while my ex-husband was in medical school were some of the most hellacious and most beautiful years I have ever lived. I was alone having babies, dealing with baby illnesses but also living through the hell of autoimmune diseases both in me and my children that I had no clue existed. I moved in for weeks with my parents after babies were born but when I drove the 3 states away to go back “home” I was alone, navigating through the season of a day(s) on my own. At least, it felt that way. But my children were there.
My children, the ones I never knew I wanted, have taught me more than any adult, university or book ever could. I learned the darker sides of me and I also learned the strength and wisdom I already possess. For the longest time I saw my “Woman-ness” as a curse. I fought it, hated it, tried to hide it, even kill it. Then in one moment I realized how beautiful being a woman was. Do I struggle? Yes. Do I hurt? Yes. But in all of it I FEEL. I learn. I unlearn. I morph on a daily basis. It’s so beautiful.
Women don’t have to have babies to have wisdom or to be a woman. No, we have the choice to say I don’t want to create a new life. But there is also such a gift in being a woman. In feeling our “Women-ness”…our roller coaster of feelings, our in tune feelings with the moon, our orgasms that allow us to feel the fire of the ancients, our hips that allow us to sway and move like the rolls of the ocean waves. We are so gifted and connected with the Universe. I see it as such a gift to be a Woman. And if we get to partner with a man who is a balance for us, the yin and yang, we see how we have both a strong feminine and also the masculine. It is a dance. A fire within that teaches us everything there is.
For now, my season is to grow new life and sort through the shit that surfaces and scoop it out. It’s like making a good chicken soup. You boil it at first and wait for the scum to rise to the top and then scoop it out. Then, you let it simmer, and as it does the goodness leeches from the bones of the chicken creating a brew that feeds the body so deeply. Even the aroma that wafts through the house smells of warmth and goodness and strength. I sit with me in my moving, stillness and growing. I change with the daily seasons of my life. I am dancing with myself…my children…my growing belly…my challenges…my victories…my failures…I dance. Each taking their turn.