I bought the plane ticket to Hawaii. I have two of my dearest, best friends that live out there and I knew if I could just make it to them the rest would be o.k., whatever o.k. meant. From the moment I bought the ticket it was like the Universe aligned with my soul and said, "YES". Every moment that happened was just right. From the moment I boarded the plane my old self, the unhealthy, unhappy one was falling away. The stars began to align and the energy of the Universe, the one most call God, began to speak so clearly to me. And the closer I got to Hawaii the easier it became to breathe. And once I had landed in beautiful Maui I could finally take the most full and complete breaths I had ever taken in my life. I had never felt so at home, so me, so ALIVE as I had in that place. The mother energy of the island embraced me like no other and I let it. I was open and I told myself to listen to my heart. It was beyond perfect.
Leaving there to come back to here, where I am at: my three little ones, my husband of fourteen years, the one whom I cannot get divorced from fast enough, two old and frail dogs, no job, no direction, no drive, what feels like no identity nor say. And I sit here having to remind myself that I am here, not there. Especially when I close my eyes and I am transported back there. But then... I open my eyes and I am here not there.
Getting on that plane to come back here was the hardest thing I have EVER done in my whole life. It was a physical and spiritual tearing for me. The island, my friends, the people. With every step and every mile I put between me and what my heart needed the more painful it became.
But I am here, not there...yet. I cannot claw my way out any harder or faster than I am right now. Right now is a very dark place for me. One where I cannot escape, not yet at least. And it is taking everything in me to go on with each day. To remind myself that I can and WILL do whatever it takes to get back there. To fight for what my heart wants: where I need to live, what I need to do as my mark in this world. I am not the same me I was before I left. I am stronger. I am fuller. I am alive. It was all there before but now I know it and feel it. And when I start to waiver it's my true friends and family that remind me, "Yeah, babe, you got this."
I am listening to my need and moving in that need, that love for it, and I know that I will succeed. But approaching the midnight hour here, sipping on Irish whiskey, I cannot help but let the tears stream down my face and wish for the hard bit to pass. This hurt is as deep as the pull is. I sought out my need in life and knowing what it is now is so beautiful, but not having it all right this second is brutal. I am a landlocked mermaid who can't seem to get a breath. I feel as though I am drowning. But when I am in Maui, in the water or by the water, I am the mermaid that can take the fullest breaths.
So...I am here...I am here...I am here...but my heart is there. I have to go back to what pulls me to it. The energy of it all, the island, my friends, the people. I NEED to get back there and fast but right now I have to focus. Focus on the very details that will make it happen while I am here and not there. When I feel I am not moving I begin to feel claustrophobic so I just pray every day that it will begin to move a little faster. The hard bit I can take. I'm good at hard. But the slow bit, not so much. It makes me feel like my skin is crawling and I want to scratch myself to bleeding.
I am feeling that I need to tell myself, "You are here...going there...you are here...going there...you are here...going there."