It's something so small yet so very, incredibly painful. Something most might say, "What's the big deal?" But you know what? I don't have to explain to anyone why I feel the way I feel. Hell, I don't even have to explain it to myself. It's a feeling, and you feel feelings, whether they are dark or light, painful or happy. You FEEL.
A pool membership. Nothing awful, especially not for those receiving it, my keiki (little ones), but it hurts ME because it is something I wanted to do with them, for years, and was always put off. There isn't enough money or a simple ignoring of the question. Something I didn't need to tolerate, or put up with, but at the time I felt I wasn't worthy enough to challenge it. To ask for it and fight until I got what I needed. Instead, I "made do" with what I had even when it wasn't what I needed or wanted.
Fast forward to today, when my soon-to-be ex-husband decides it would be a great idea for him to buy a pool membership for keiki, I can be included in it if I want, but where was this for the years I asked, even begged for it? It is hard for me to wrap my brain around why someone, a person I gave my everything to, could not love me for me or as much as I loved myself. That part I don't get, probably never will. That concept is so foreign to me. Most of 14-year marriage has been like that. Me always settling for hand-outs when it was convenient for the other person to give it to me or make time, when I needed to just do it myself and to hell with a person that doesn't care to share their life with me. To hell with the endless waiting for someone else to find me worthy enough. I am worthy enough now, always have been.
The beautiful part of it is that I will NEVER allow that to happen to me again. I have been given a second chance in this life. And I will always believe in and stand up for myself. I have a voice. I am worthy. I am enough. The next partner in my life, and I mean that with all of it's power... A PARTNER, who will treat me and love me like I love me. If not, I will let it go. It's give and receive. A sharing. Anything less my heart won't do. This life is too short to live with o.k. or mediocre. I am LIVING life to its fullest, in every way life offers. Including romantic, partner love.
So, today I grieve and then let it go. I don't wish my soon-to-be-ex any dark or negative feelings, though I am still dealing with the anger and hurt of it all, but instead I choose to still share love and light. Both energies are strong and powerful energies but the love and the light can help diffuse destruction and pain, which is what is needed now. Anything else would just create a bigger mess with more pain. That's not needed or wanted here.