There are many beginnings and endings for me this month. More than I think I have ever had. I wouldn’t change it for the world because I am truly alive but I feel it so deeply. Life carries on…in every breath, in every tear, in every laugh, in every fear, in every emotion, in driving the car, in paying the bills, in watching the children sleep, in waking to a new day. I sometimes feel I am dreaming and made it all up and then the waking reality hits me like a brick in the face. I have learned the art of groundlessness and continue breathing in each moment. There is both a grieving and a celebration. This is what it means to live an authentic life. It’s not for the faint of heart and it’s not a life lived alone, even when the strongest moments present themselves and it feels for a moment as if I am the only person in the world. Then comes a smile, a note, a feeling and I realize I am a part of the cosmos…a tribe…a family…a friendship. It’s both an emptiness and a fullness. In each moment I breathe, love and let go. Sometimes several times a day. In the grieving I feel as if I cannot handle it and that I cannot go on…but then I do. There is a clearing. A letting go. Missing what is gone and what is going. Life carries on and I move with it…dance with it…feel it…cry…laugh…this is life. I know my past but the future is unknown, filled with endless possibilities that have yet to present themselves. I am full of gratitude and also an emptiness as the fire burns that which must end. It is a complete surrender. A surrender to all I thought I knew. A surrender to the familiar. Surrender…what a perfectly beautiful wretched state of being.
Peter Gabriel's "I Grieve"
Photograph: Rachael Baran